• Laney Chubb - Experience Of Relapse

    I usually keep my thoughts about my illness to myself, however since this bad relapse I need to get the words out, so the following is written to my M.E. ( aka Chronic Fatigue Syndrome) it's a bit long! (sorry)*

    "Oh, so you're back then. It's a bit of a shock TBH, after all we were together a long time (9+ years) and then very slowly you faded away to a point that you weren't around at all for quite a while so I thought you had left permanently. It may surprise you to know that I've got my life back together.

    Yes, I must admit many times when I had a bad day, or few days, I worried that you were creeping back into my life. However I learnt to control your onslaught of gut wrenching symptoms and over time my confidence grew. I added interests and activities to my 'things I can cope with' list, so much so that I threw caution to the wind and lived my life like you were never in it, or indeed would ever come back.

    But here you are, out of the blue, and it seems that you are just as set on reducing me to feeling nothing but utter exhaustion and bone aching illness as you ever were. The problem now is that it's really inconvenient, I can feel the new things I have added to my life slipping away, so I am asking you from my heart to go away. NOW!

    You see I am doing things that I never imagined I'd be able to do ever again after you made me so ill before. I have a horse!! Can you believe it? I actually got back enough confidence and stamina to manage and enjoy her! She is my pride and Joy, but thanks to your recent unwelcome reappearance I can't even fill her hay net at the moment.

    Also, it may shock you to know that I also have a part time job....Out of the house 3 days a week!! It's like someone sent me "the perfect job for Laney" all packaged up and tied with a ribbon. So I started work last August and haven't taken a day off sick, until now. I'm getting scared to go in to work in case I hit that wall where the energy just feels like it's draining down through my body and out of my feet, and that poisoned ill feeling creeps around my veins and I feel like I'm dissolving into a puddle of liquid that can just be mopped up and thrown away because there's no energy or anything left inside me.

    What I need to know is why are you back? And how long will you be staying? How bad will this get? I have to admit you are doing really well right now considering you've only just marched back into my life! You have already reminded me just how many varied and devastating symptoms creep in to invade my whole being.

    • Complete and utter exhaustion. In varying degrees I grant you but I always feel wrung out and shattered.

    • That poisoned feeling, the sick nauseous toxic illness pumping through my veins into every part of my body and mind.

    • Constant headaches, varying from a dull thud to a full blown migraine. Torture.

    • Pain. Everywhere.

    • Weakness, and fragility, like I'm just skin with nothing inside. A puff of air and I'm gone, you can just flick me to the ground and stamp all over me because you reduce me to feeling like I am nothing.

    • Hot, cold, shivery, irritable, discomfort, fidgety, I may be resting but my muscles and inner self are running a constant marathon which is exhausting me when I'm already shattered. The switch has been switched on and I can't switch it off. It's like trying to run a car on AA batteries.

    • My eyes and brain are out of sync, disconnected so I feel seasick, things look fuzzy and out of focus, light is too bright, looking at the*computer screen*or TV makes me want to puke. That's why it's taking me days to type this out, but I will do it, just to tell you how much I hate you.*

    • In a continuation of the above, my mixed up vision makes me off balance and uncoordinated, a bit drunk I suppose. So when you then throw a migraine into the mix for good measure the pounding head and flashing lights in my vision I honestly wonder what I've done to deserve such torture. Will I get through this, I try to ride over it like Iím out of myself and above how this feels. "It'll be gone in a minute" I keep promising myself, that gives me the determination to cling on until the worst is over.

    • Brain fog, inability to think straight, no short term memory, over emotional, my thoughts are brittle and irrational. I can't cope with ANYTHING.

    All this in the short time you've been back, well done. I remember now how bad it gets and know more than ever that feeling well and having energy shouldn't be taken for granted. I get it, and I promise to in future accept you will always be in the background in case I step out of line again. No more pushing the boundaries. However I had the Joy of achieving things I never thought I'd be able do again, and you will never take that away from me.